About Me., Update

Sunday Update

So, I was told to read a book about self-esteem by Matthew McKay. I don’t know what to think about it. I have a low self-esteem, so, I was told to read this book because it should help me with that. I don’t know much about how to raise someone self-esteem but I do know that this book could help with it. I know that it did help me a little bit but my self-critic is a lot hard on me. I have been trying to build my self-esteem, but every progress that I make gets shot down because of the words that my stepdad said to me before he cut me out of his and my mother’s life. I don’t want to write it down because I know that it shouldn’t affect me but it does. I know that I have tried challenging it by telling me all the things I have done right. The thing is, it isn’t his fault that I have a low self-esteem, it’s my fault because I let what everyone says about me defined me. I know I shouldn’t do that but it’s easier said than done. you just can’t stop something that you have done most of your life. I know that I can’t even help what I do but it still makes me feel like I am worthless. The reason why I feel that way is because I know I shouldn’t let them get to me. My inner critic is the worst thing that I have. I wish I was different who I am. I always need to be told that I am doing okay. I shouldn’t need this but for some reason I do. I’m not a bad person, but I do things that aren’t good and that’s okay. I don’t feel like I am a bad person. I just feel that I don’t fit in with anyone. My fiance is the only person that tells me that I am beautiful but for some reason, I don’t believe that. I don’t know why but it is hard to believe that I am beautiful. I want to believe it but something is stopping me. I am wanting to feel better about myself. So, I am starting to read self-help books. I was told to read this book, so, it was kind of a wake-up call. I need to change the way that I look at and feel about myself. I am going to work on my inner critic and let you know how that goes. I will be giving an update within my Sunday posts. I hope that I can change how I think and feel about myself.

Have a good night and have a good day.

About Me., Update

Sunday Update

So, I think I am going to make Sundays about me and make Wednesdays I will post something about my writing. It could be a writing prompt or a short story that I had floating around in my head. I will try to make each update about 300 or more words. Since I am only posting twice a week unless I do a thirty-day challenge. I just want to make something about me because that’s part of the reason why I am keeping this blog going. I have been having a hard time in life right now. My father and my grandmother are the only family members that are talking to me right now. So, it’s hard finding the motivation to keep posting on this blog. I love writing though. I don’t want to go into why most of my family isn’t talking to me. But I just want to say that I am not easy to get along with, but I never thought that my family would leave me, but they did, so, I just need to get over it and move on. So, my self-esteem has gone up and gone back down. Before they stopped talking to I started thinking that I was a good person but now that they have done this I don’t know if that statement is completely true. I do know that my spelling has gotten better than a few weeks ago. Writing is something that helps me prosses things. So, I think I am going to start a journal or something like that. I already do a brain dump (which helps me out a lot). I used to write in a journal but then I found out that my mother use to read it all the time when I was in school. That made me so mad that I quit writing in a journal format. This post has been very helpful. I just needed to get this stuff out of my mind and onto something. Sorry for the rant. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Have a good day and a good night.

About Me., Update

Fun times.

Okay, so let me start off by saying that my depression hasn’t been the best here of late. I know that I need to keep up with this blog no matter if my depression or PTSD is acting. I have been trying to post but I am myself worst critic. I know what I need to do. I am trying to keep up on my school work and a few other things. I lost my job recently. So, that’s not a good thing. I know that I need to find a new one but at the same time I need to focus on my schooling. But now that I don’t have a job I can try to start uploading more. I am trying to find a way to do what I love and this blog. So, I think I am going to be uploading more of my writings. I find it best to write random stories before working on your main stories. I call them throw away stories. You don’t need to finish them just set a timer and just write how your day was or how something didn’t turn out right. I try to do this daily. No matter what problems I have. Doesn’t always work but it gets me back into the writing mindset. The best for a writer to be. You don’t have to be a tortured soul to be a writer.

Let me tell you some things about me and what i am like. In my household it is a known fact that I don’t have a very good self esteem. I try hard everyday to see the positive in that day as well as what I did right. But most days I don’t succeed and seeing the positive in that day or what I did right. Is normally one or the other never both. Sleeping is something that I either do too much or I don’t do enough of. It’s very hard for me to stay awake during the day and it is very hard for me to go to sleep at night. Some say that i am a night owl. I’ve had jobs that were over night and i couldn’t stay awake through them, but i couldn’t stay awake through a day-shift job. Which leads into me having more self esteem problems. It’s a never ending pit. I know most of you probably don’t want to hear about this but i need to give you guys some understanding into the way that i am. Depression is a life long battle. That most people can overcome it but some can not. I’ve been living with depression for eight years now. On and off medication. I have never stopped taking my meds unless I was told to. That’s how I’ve been. There is high’s and low’s that i deal with being bipolar. If you would like to know more about them and how they affect me like and comment on this post, telling me to make more posts on this topic. I am open to just about anything.

On the topic of the book reviews. I love to read books. I love sharing what I like about a book. The thing is that I take a long time to read books, when I have a lot of school work. So, I am going to keep doing the book reviews but I am not going to do them ever month like I want to. I will be doing them when I can. I don’t know how often they will be but I do know that I will keep doing them. Now, working on myself esteem is going to be a hard thing to do. I know that I can do it. But it is going to take sometime. I don’t know how long but I will be working on it for the rest of my life. It isn’t something that can be fixed without changing somethings. I know I’m kind of going on a rant here but it’s not really a bad rant. It’s more of an update on what I’m planning to do with the blog going forward. This is also explanations of why certain things haven’t been done that I said I would do. I really hope that my readers are understanding and are willing to work with me on some things. As long as I keep posting on my blog. I’m trying to keep myself awake so that I can see the sunrise and take photos of it. I want to make this a full-time job but I don’t know how and in order to do that I need to learn more about SEO and web hosting. My head is hurting because I am thinking so hard on this. But I am going to be buying a web hosting thing soon in hopes to get more readers. Well that’s all I got to say for now. I love you guys. Have a good night and a good day. 

Always remember to be happy because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile. ~Unknown

Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile Picture Quote #1

About Me., Midnight Thoughts

When I was little…

Okay so when I was little (about 6 or 7 years old) I knew that I wanted to do something with art. Not knowing what all art has under its wings. Before I get on a tangent about what all is considered art let me tell you about me. Art was my favorite thing along with telling stories. Yeah most parents tell their that they can be anything that they wanted. Well my dad wasnt in the picture until I was about 10 or 11. My mother was in and out of my life until I was about 9 or 9 1/2. When she showed up on my grandma’s door saying that she wanted me to move in with her. Of course my grandma being the sane person she is said no. That my mother would have to prove to her that she can take care of me. Well in the end she did show her that she could take care of me and make sure I went to school everyday. So, I moved in with her. She started dating a guy a few months after I moved in with her. He was an okay guy. I mainly liked his cooking but what do I know. Well they broke up but they stayed friends. He introduce my mother to my now step dad. They dated for about a six months before he moved in. About four months later she told me I was going to have a sibling. I always wanted someone to play with so I was happy. I was even more happier when I found out that it was a boy. I thought that i could teach him everything I knew. That he would come out ready to play. I didn’t understand that babies didn’t play like I did, I was still happy. When he started learning how to walk is when I started getting annoyed at him. He would always get into my stuff. I still loved him but I didn’t want him in my stuff. I would run down the hallway with him hot on my heels in his little bouncy walker. We started a room so, I would tell him stories that i made up when he couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep because he would see me and think it was play time.

I miss those days when there were no boys that I wanted to date no sisters. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister but it was much more simpler without the three of them. I wouldn’t trade them for anything but I can’t help but think what would happen if they weren’t there. So back to little me. I would tell everyone stories some of them where based on true one but most of them weren’t true. But that’s a lot more than I thought I would put down in this post. But hey from what I’ve heard more is better. Well have a good day and a good week. Let me know if you want to know more about little me.

About Me.

My favorite memory and The memory I will never forget.

My favorite memory

 

It was Courtney, my grandpa and I were on our way Florida and Courtney was in the front set and had to go pee and I was making fun of her because she had a pee dance. Then Courtney and I started laughing because she had the hold car shacking. My grandpa was inside getting us a room to stay in. when we got into the room Courtney and I races to the bathroom. I got there first.

 

The memory I will never forget.

 

May 5, 2010, my grandpa passed away. I was dancing and playing games with my aunt Crystal and my uncle Matt and my four cousins (Courtney, Cole, Jesse And Kaykay) when my mom walked through the door after spending about four days at the hospital with my grandpa, who had a massive stroke on May 1, 2010. I knew the moment she walked through the door, with her tear stained face, something was very, very wrong I knew for a fact that she would not leave the hospital unless he had passed away. I right when I see her I take off running to the only place I knew I could go and that was to park, where me and him would go to talk about how school was going or my side of something that happened. I ran as fast an I could until I got there. Once I got there I dropped to the ground and balled my eyes out for what seemed hours. I had just lost the one person I could talk to about anything and know he wouldn’t judge me. For the 15 Year old me, I had just lost everything, my hopes and dreams where gone with him. They were going to be put in the ground with him later that week. The once fun and loving person everyone knew and loved was gone and replaced with a person who rarely did anything outside of her room, who would cry all the time. Someone no one wanted to be around. I didn’t want to get to know anyone for the fear of them leaving me like my grandpa did. So I just wanted to die so I could to be with my grandpa and never hurt again. That first night is when I cut myself for the first time. When I felt the sting from where the cut was, it made me feel like I was alive. From that day on I had cuts on my arms and legs from every time I would fight with one of my family members or one of my friends. The cutting to take the pain away went on for about two to three years. Until my mom found out and take me to the one place I never wanted to step foot into again and that was a hospital.

About Me., Creative Women

Creative Family Member.

Who in my family was considered to be creative? Were they successful with their creativity? If so, describe their work, if not what happened? What did I glean from these stories?

               The only person I considered to be creative was my grandpa, who passed away in 2010. He loved to draw. He would always try to teach me how to, but I never caught on, nor did I enjoy it. Over time I would just draw stick people when he wanted to draw with me. I know that he would be so proud of me for following my dreams. He didn’t go anywhere with his art work, but he was okay with that. The reason why he didn’t go anywhere with his art work is because he had to go into the military, then when he gotten out he had started a family with my grandma. He always said that I need to follow my dreams. He loved that I was into writing. He would try to help me with my spelling. It didn’t really work though, I still suck at spelling, but at least he tried. He always gotten me notebooks and pens. It had gotten to the point that my mother had to tell him to stop because I had so many blank ones, but he never did. I was his world, at the time I had a younger brother, but he was too young to understand what was going on. I was his first and only grandchild until 2006. My grandpa and I still did everything together because there was a 11-year differences between my brother and I. Grandpa still love him, but I was his favorite. The thing I learned from the stories my grandpa told me, was to follow my dreams no matter what. I know that’s what he would want me to do, so, that’s what I am going to do.

About Me., Update

The Problems with my writing habits.

So, I want to become an author, but I have a really bad problem. I start stories then I get writer’s block and then I start a new project to help get over writer’s block and plan on going back to the other one. The thing is that on paper it’s a good idea but when I am working on it, I never follow it. I start the new one and just never go back to the old one. This last month I have been looking through my google docs. I have found more than 20 stories but most of them had the same concept from other stories just with different character names. There are at least thirteen different stories. So, I’ve been re-reading them. I try to figure out if it’s something that I should keep it, or should I just delete it. The plot in the ones that I delete normally isn’t something that I can follow very easily, and I know that if I can’t follow the plot I won’t be able to write a good story from it. I know that to become an author I need to finish a story, but I’ve tried outlining and that’s made it harder to write the story because it feels written out and there is no creativity in it. I’ve tried just writing it out from start to end, but I get writer’s block about 2/3 of the way through it. I think I need to find the middle ground in between the two. I think outlining the basic chapter and leave how it gets to the next chapter up for creativity. I will be taking the story that I am working on now and apply this way of outlining and see if I finish it. The thing is that I won’t know if it works until six or eight months down the road. So, what I will do is I will make a weekly post about how I think it is going. I will make it sort of like an update.

I am thinking of things that I can do with this blog. A lot of them are more like updates. Some of them are like story updates. Then there are some of them that are getting to know more about myself and letting you guys know more about who I am and what I stand for. The thing is that I will not be taking a political stance on anything in this blog. I don’t want people hating on me for where I stand with that. Thank you for your understanding. I know that I am doing the best I can.

I am getting a b- in my class as of right now. I have just two more weeks in this eight-week class. All my classes are going to be eight weeks long. I know that they are going to get harder or more difficult, but this is something that I want to do. I am going to school for Creative Writing. I did go to another school for creative writing, but it just wasn’t what I was looking for. So, I transferred out. I will not name the school here because over all I liked the school and if I want to take my creative writing into a different direction then I will go back to that school. I like where this school is taking me in my path to become an author.

I just want to thank you all for taking the time to read this. It really means a lot to me. So, thank you and have a good day.